Motivational Series

We've all been emailed some variation of those Motivational Posters. They're pretty hit-or-miss, really. Sometimes they're funny and sometimes they're lame. I was forwarded an email today that had about 15 of them attached. I found myself laughing out loud at a few of them which I don't usually do. I've decided to post some of the better ones... but the "WTF" one was my favorite for some reason.

Twilight: A Male Perspective

We were over at my sister-in-laws house about two weeks ago and she had all of the Twilight books on her nightstand. I have been hearing a lot about it lately since the newest book, Breaking Dawn, came out. I was watching the news and saw about five million women standing in line to pick up the new book. They were all gushing about a character named "Edward" and how they had "discussion groups" that were set up just so a bunch of chicks could talk about this book. My wife, Betsy, doesn't read much of anything except the scriptures, KSL.com, and Parenting magazine. I figured it might be a book she would enjoy.

So we borrowed the book and Betsy started reading it that same night. For a few days I watched her closely to see if she was enjoying it. She was. I noticed she was able to find time to read it during the day. She'd even stay up later than usual so she could read it after the kids went to bed.

I started to get curious. What the crud are all these chicks freaking out about? What could be so awesome about this series? Finally, I decided I was going to read the first book, Twilight... just to see. So I waited until Betsy went to sleep and then I'd take the book into the front room and read it. I didn't use a book mark because I didn't want Betsy to see that I was reading it. If she DID figure out I had been reading her book, I didn't want her to know how far I was or how much progress I'd made. If I didn't like it and Betsy knew I was reading it, I didn't want Betsy gushing to me about how awesome it was and put me in a position where I'd either have to agree with her (lie) or disagree with her (hurt feelings).

I just finished the book this last weekend, just behind my wife. It was pretty good. I had some problems with it, though.

I want to tell all you dudes out there a few things about Twilight. First of all, the reason women like this book so much is because it's about 90% Romance Novel. You know those books at the store that have really buff guys with huge muscles, wearing a ripped shirt and they're cradling a scantily clad hottie in their huge arms? Twilight reminded me of what those Romance Novels might contain. It's from the point of view of Bella, a 17-year-old girl. She's in lust with this dude, Edward, who we learn is a vampire. "Vampires?" you might be thinking... "Cool!" Well, not really... but kinda.

If you've seen any vampire horror movies then you know what can typically be expected from vampires. Raw emotion, passion, blood, sex, gore, and maybe a topless Sam from Who's the Boss... if you're lucky. For the book, Twilight, remove "topless". Remove "blood". Remove "sex" (it's a Mormon author, after all). Remove "gore". What are you left with? That's right. Emotion and passion. There is some allusion to blood and gore when Edward occasionally mentions "hunting", but not enough for any real man to get too excited.

Also remember this story is told from the point of view of a 17-year-old girl. Almost without exception, every time she sees Edward, she notices something amazing about him... like his perfect face, hard jawline, gorgeous eyes, muscular chest, smooth voice, brisk stride, gentle touch, etc. Now try to imagine every paragraph containing several sentences describing Edwards absolute perfection. It gets old pretty fast... for a guy.

Another thing that bothered me quite a bit was that Edward is not the nicest guy. I mean he says a lot of great things, he's amazingly smooth for a 107-year-old teenager, but he acts a lot like a jock. He orders Bella around like she's his dog and she does exactly what he tells her do. Why? Because he's so hot. That kind of bugged me. I saw that kind of thing happen in High School. All the hotties would flock to the A-holes because they were hot. I'd watch from afar and think, "I'm so much cooler than that dork face." But the chicks never noticed because I wore glasses with a strap in the back to hold them up.

The author of Twilight also strays from some of the basic, generally accepted "truths" about vampires. That's cool for the most part. I mean, an author has creative license and can write her stories however she'd like. But, c'mon! A vampire can't be in the sun or else his skin melts off. That's pretty basic. Most everything else is optional (wooden stake through heart, flying, turning into a bat, etc) but the sunlight thing is pretty elementary. I think it would have been better if the author had just chosen to ignore it, but instead, she chose to have the vampires stay out of sunlight for a completely different reason. Are you ready for this? Because sunlight makes them sparkle and glow like they're covered with diamonds and other shiny jewels and gems. Like Edward needs to be any MORE beautiful than he already is. Sorry. That's pretty lame. I really hope she doesn't elaborate any more on this stupid quality in her future books. Not that I'm planning on reading them or anything.

It's pretty obvious that Bella isn't really "in love" yet. I'm not saying she won't EVER be in love with Edward, but I don't think she's in love with him at the end of Twilight. She's infatuated with him because he's a vampire, he can run really fast, he's super strong and he's "oh so perfect". I don't think "awe" equates to "love".

Edward says all the right things, as well. He makes the rest of us guys look like babbling imbeciles. Let me tell you, ladies, if I had over 100 years to perfect my womanizing ability, I'd say all the right things, as well. It's kinda like Groundhog Day. Edward is a "teenager" and knows exactly what to say to make other 17-year-olds swoon because he's had a lot longer than us mere mortals to master it. "But, Cameron, Edward doesn't have any experience with women. He even told Bella that he's never felt this way about anyone. AND he's also a virgin!" Yeah right! Edward's been around the block once or twice in the last 100 years, I promise. He's just perfected his dialogue so he can impress Bella and whoever comes after her. With all the pent up one-liners and "icy caresses" he has built up, I guarantee Edward can hold his own in the sack. Bella is just an immature 17-year-old who wants the hottest guy in school to pay her some attention. That guy just happens to be a vampire.

That's all I have to say. Good luck, guys. If you can zone out during the more descriptive romantic scenes, it's actually a pretty good read.

Visa

I'm not much of a sports fan. This is one of the things my wife loves about me. I'm not the type of guy who feels the need to watch Sports Center for several hours a day. If we're hanging out with a group of friends and the dudes say something like, "Hey, guys! Let's get a game of 'Bee Ball' goin'" I'm never (ever) interested. I'd much rather hang out with all the children and wives while the other dudes play ball. I just don't care about playing or watching sports. I think almost everything is boring.

Don't get me wrong, though. I'll watch an occasional game of football or soccer with my sons (since I think it's neccessary for them to be well-rounded young men), and I might participate in the office "pool", but there isn't much knowledge influencing my "picks" on who I think might win.

I enjoy watching the Olympics, though. Mostly swimming, track and field, and sand volleyball. I know I talk a lot about my softer, sensitive side and sometimes I think I might be TOO comfortable with my sensitivity, but I can't help it.

The other day I was downstairs by myself watching the Olympics at about 11 at night. This commercial came on while I was drinking some Dr. Pepper and eating some Pub Mix from Costco. I knew it was one of those "motivational" type of commercials when it started and I thought to myself "Oh, man, this is gonna be cheesy", but about 15 seconds into it (you'll see) I couldn't swallow cause I was crying. Not like "moist eyes", either. I actually felt my chest quivering and I was doing that Trying-To-Catch-My-Breath thing that kids do when they've been crying for a long time and have recently stopped.



I know I've said this before (Field of Dreams, My Life, An American Tail), but there is something about a father and his kids that gets me every single time.

Getting To Know... ME!!!

I received this email today from my friend Katie. I thought about sending it back to her, but then decided to just make it into today's blog post.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:30 am… but I went to bed at 1:30 am after seeing the movie Step Brothers in Layton.

2. Diamonds or pearls? I’m not exactly sure what this means, but I’m only 51% straight so I can’t answer that question without tipping over the edge into everlasting gayness.

3. What was the last film you saw in the theater? Step Brothers… I just told you that.

4. What is your favorite TV show? Infomercials… or Spongebob Squarepants. It’s kind of hard to admit, but if you’ve ever watched an episode of Spongebob and you’re under 40 years old, then I’m sure you understand.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? If my wife isn’t pregnant then I have about 8 pieces of bacon. If she IS pregnant, then I’ll have a Nutragrain bar or something. I’m not much of a breakfast eater.

6. What is your middle name? Lee. You wanna make somethin’ of it?

7. What food do you dislike? Cauliflower, celery, and fish (not including shellfish… those are yummy).

8. What is your favorite CD at moment? Pssht. CD’s. That’s funny. I’m all about homemade compilation cd’s. Right now I have Bitchin’ Tunes Volumes 1-13, Bitchin’ Butt Rock Volumes 1 and 2, Bitchin’ Oldies, Bitchin’ Classical, and Bitchin’ Ballads. Email me if you’d like a copy of the playlists so you can enjoy All Things Cameron.

9. What kind of car do you drive? ’93 Ford Escort Wagon. When I drive it, I wish I were single. It’s a babe magnet.

10. Favorite sandwich? Depends on the sandwich place, really. I don’t like “dry” sandwiches. Shovel on some Guac and I’m cool with just about anything.

11. What characteristic do you despise? One-uppers. People who always tell a story where they experience something similar to you… except they did it faster, harder, stayed longer, spent more money, scored a hotter chick, had one more, landed harder, or got a few more stitches than you.

12. Favorite item of clothing? Nothing at all. Nothing beats a cool ocean breeze curving around every crevasse of my body without pesky “clothes” interfering.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? The ocean, of course… in a warm climate.

14. Favorite brand of clothing? Hello? Are you not paying attention? Read my last two answers.

15. Where would you retire to? Again, somewhere by an ocean would be nice for reasons which should be obvious by now.

16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? I’ve had several awesome birthdays over the last six years, but my wife wouldn’t approve if I went into any details. Sorry.

17. Favorite sport to watch? Infomercials.

18. Furthest place you are sending this? According to the map attached to my blog, I have a regular viewer in England (thanks Jago) and an occasional hit in India. I have no idea who that is.

18. Do you make friends easily? No. I’m a social recluse. I only participate in social activities if my wife forces me to. I usually end up enjoying myself, but I’m never excited beforehand.

19. What did you do last night? Hung out with Season while Betsy decorated our backyard for Boston’s birthday.

20. When is your birthday? July 15th. (Text Happy Birthday Messages to 801-690-8203).

21. Are you a morning person or a night person? If my nights turn into mornings, then I do alright with mornings. Otherwise, it’s nights.

22. What is your shoe size? 9, but you know what they say about small feet, right?

23. Pets? Sharona, our Old English Mastiff. She’s great.

24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I’m approaching my halfway point toward being able to retire from my job. That keeps me going on my bad days.

25. What did you want to be when you were little? I wanted to be rodeo clown for a while during my stuntman days. I'm not really sure why. I'm not a very fast mover. I'm sure I'd die my first day on the job.

26. How are you today? I’m at work all day while my 3-year-old, Boston, is celebrating his birthday at home with my wife, kids, and neighbors. Sigh.

27. What are your favorite sweets? I dig anything cinnamon flavored. Fire Jolly Ranchers, Atomic Fireballs, Cinnamon Mentos, Red Hots, etc. That’s about it. I don’t like cakes, cookies, brownies, or things like that. I know it’s weird.

28. What is your favorite flower? I’m pretty sure Honeysuckle is a flower and I love those cause you can pick them and slurp the sweet bee urine out of the bottom of them.

29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Friday. We just started the four day work week so I can look forward to three day weekends from now on… most of the time.

30. What is your full name? Cameron Lee Daley

31. What are you listening to right now? Sean Hannity trashing on the Democrats. He takes himself so serious.

32. What was the last thing you ate? String cheese, Ritz, blueberry yogurt and a Mt. Dew. I actually hate the thought of eating “live and active cultures”, but we buy yogurt at Costco and my kids and wife can never eat it fast enough. I end up eating 3 a day for the last week before they expire.

33. Do you wish on stars? Yup. Every night I wish that our house won’t be burglarized and my wife won't be raped by the Ogden 13th Street Gang.

34. Coffee or tea? Is this a trick question? NIETHER! They’re BOTH against the Word of Wisdom!

35. How is the weather right now? Unsure. I’m stuck in my office with no windows.

36. What are you afraid of? I didn’t used to be afraid of anything, but I think my anxiety levels have been rising lately. I’ve started to get dizzy and stuff if I start talking or thinking about natural disasters or death and stuff. I’m thinking it comes with age… or maybe it’s fear that just comes built-in when you have a family or something. Like… NOW I actually have something I care about and it freaks me out to imagine what could happen to them. I dunno.

37. Favorite soft drink? Dr. Pepper, except if I’m really really thirsty. It seems like Sprite is the best thirst-quencher.

38. Favorite restaurant? Café Trang has a “Pork in a Clay Pot” dish that is so effing good. It’s hard to order since they took it off the menu and they have something similar they always try to trick me into ordering. I have to speak very slowly and make them repeat it back to me if I want the dish I’m looking for.

39. How many keys on your key ring? Let me count…10 keys and a Fresh Value Card.

40. How many years at your current job? Nine

41. When was the last time you cried? Last week when I taught my Sunday School lesson. I didn’t sob or anything, but I had to pause during one of my stories cause I could feel my emotions were about to start leaking out.

42. What is under your bed? Dust and dirty diapers.

43. How many people will you send this to? Whoever reads my blog will see it. So maybe 6.

Nostalgic Numbers

A fellow blogger and friend (that I've never met), Laura, did a post recently about how certain smells bring back specific memories for her. Every once in a while I'll hear a song on the radio that will bring back the same memory every time I hear it... kinda like whenever I smell bug spray I instantly think of Scout Camp. I've decided to list a few songs that bring back specific memories for me.

Top of the World (Van Halen) and Old Time Rock And Roll (Bob Seger) remind me of growing up with my older brother, Ryan. My mom took his Van Halen shirt away from him when she heard from her coworker that they sang a song with a questionable message. It also reminds me of when Ryan took me to see Risky Business at a midnight movie when I was in Jr. High.

Look Away (Chicago)and Zombie Jamboree (Rockapella [Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego]) reminds me of the two concerts I attended when I was in High School. I remember being pretty pissed that Chicago performed all their songs from the 60's and 70's instead of the songs I was familiar with from the 80's. This might be one of the reasons I don't care for concerts anymore. By the way, Rockapella was awesome!

Forever Young (Alphaville) always reminds me of the Jr. High dances when I'd stand off to the side of the gym and wonder why girls never asked the guys to dance... as if that would have made any difference as to whether or not I participated.

Feelin' Groovy (Simon and Garfunkel) No matter how scared or nervous I am for any sort of event, I can listen to this song and all of my worries melt away... seriously. I'd always listen to this song while I was driving over to a girls house to break up with her.

Here I Go Again (Whitesnake) This is the song I'd listen to after I had broken up with the aforementioned girl. The lyrics made me feel better about my decision and excited for the next chick.

Mmmm Bopp (Hanson) I remember seeing the music video for this at a members house while I was on my mission in England. I distinctly remember thinking that the lead singer was actually a pretty cute chick for a younger girl... then someone told me the group was actually three brothers. I felt pretty dirty.

Then He Kissed Me (The Crystals) The very first drive-in I ever went to was a double feature of Adventures in Babysitting and Can't Buy Me Love. I always picture Elizabeth Shue singing into her bed post.

Juke Box Hero (Foreigner) Even though I've done a great Air Guitar for my whole life, there's just something about how much awesome'r my Air Guitar is for this song. I can also somehow jump higher and do the splits when I'm jamming to this song.

You Sexy Thing (Hot Chocolate) Always reminds me of the amateur strips I participated in when I was single. I only stripped at two bachelorette parties, but we stripped to this song both times. There's just something about it that makes me want to take my clothes off.

American Pie (Don McClean) My mom bought all of us kids season passes to Wild Waters when I was younger. It took just over 8 minutes to drive from our house to Wild Waters and we'd listen to this song for the whole drive since it's about 8 and a half minutes long.

Final Countdown (Europe) This is the song my friend, John, and I chose for the finale in our movie Out of the Blue. The lyrics make no sense and don't apply to anything we've ever experienced as friends, but the song rocks.

Louisiana Saturday Night (Don Williams) This is one of three country songs I can stand. It's even better because it's only about two minutes long. My mom taught aerobics when I was little and she did a "routine" to this song. I had to listen to different songs hundreds of times while she was preparing her "routines" so this is one that got stuck in my head for the last 20 or so years.

Storybook Love (Willie Deville) - This is the theme song from The Princess Bride. I saw this movie in the movie theater when it came out. I got in trouble because I took a dare from my friends to dance to the mellow music playing before the lights dimmed. I stood up and danced in front of the whole theater right as my mom came in with the popcorn and drinks. BUSTED!

500 Miles - (The Proclaimers) I worked at The Snow Shack when I was 15 years old and this song was ridiculously popular. I was forced to listen to this on every radio station during my shifts while making snow cones for hours on end. Whenever this song comes on I can faintly taste Tiger's Blood snowie in the back of my throat.

It Gets Worse

I know that we all say stupid things... some of us more often than others... but it's worse for fair-skinned people like me who blush. Darker skinned people can say something embarrassing and quickly change the subject or move on and no one knows any better. Sometimes the audience doesn't even notice something stupid was said because there wasn't a glowing face and beet-red ears staring back at them.

It happened to me today. I was substitute teaching our Gospel Doctrine class at church. It's been about a year since I've had the calling in a different ward so I was more nervous than usual. Near the beginning of the lesson the principle of humility came up. I decided to share a story from my mission about how the proselyting success rate skyrocketed in the poor areas of England, most likely due to the fact they had been sufficiently humbled and were spiritually prepared to hear about our church.

For some unknown reason, however, I got off on a bizarre tangent about the English economy and government. I asked several rhetorical questions about how their economy could even sustain itself due to the government hand-outs including free money and free houses.

I brought myself back to the lesson fairly quickly and started to continue with my analogy when I saw a raised hand near the front of the classroom. It was a 60ish year old lady that I had never seen before and it looked like she wasn't sure if she should even be raising her hand. I pointed to her and asked if she had a comment. She said, "Yes, I have a comment..." and unfortunately those words were spoken with a genuine British accent. I audibly and probably visibly gulped as she started to defend the system of government in England while her British husband stared at me with a fake, forced smile on his face. I could feel my face getting red and I almost wondered aloud "Who turned off the freakin' air conditioning?" You know how in movies when people get nervous they put their index finger between their neck and their shirt collar to try to get a bit of air flow to their sopping wet chest? That was me. I'm pretty sure I did that a few times while she was defending her country.

Seriously, though... what are the chances that the one day I say something rude about England is the day we have two English visitors? Man, I felt like an idiot.

After she finished talking about England and my pit stains had grown to the decorative size of medium cantaloupes, I said something like, "Really? It appears I was grossly misinformed for 2 full years." Then I moved on to the next topic.

This experience wasn't as bad as the one that happened about 10 years ago. I was working security at the Delta Center and I was hanging out in the ticket lobby trying to look authoritative and important as a 21 year old security guru. I wandered over to the receptionist desk and I noticed two really hot chicks sitting in chairs against the wall filling out applications. I stood a few yards away for about 30 seconds waiting for them to look up and notice my appealing muscle mass and average stature. When they didn't look up, I went out on a limb and said, "How are you ladies doing?" Neither one of them looked up. They continued studying their applications. Then the receptionist said, "They don't speak English".
I asked the receptionist where they were from and she said, "They're from Russia or Brazil or something." Then I said, "That's too bad cause I had four years of German in High School and I remember some key phrases that might help me communicate if they were German."

The receptionist asked what phrases I could remember and I said, "Well my favorite one is 'Ich habe durchfall'". At this point, both of the smokin' hotties looked up at me and started laughing their respective heads off. Apparently they WERE German and had just heard me say that I had diarrhea. It didn't do me any good to try to explain to them that my poo's were actually not at all runny.

I walked away pretty red-faced, but then I couldn't help but laugh at myself when I pictured, in it's entirety, what they had heard. Some dude in a uniform walks up to them and says, "Blah blah blah, blah?". Then the receptionist says, "Blah blah blah." I say, "Blah blah blah?" to which she replies, "Blah blah blah blah." Then I decide to say, "Blah blah Blah I HAVE DIARRHEA."

I'd be laughing, as well.

Pierced Ears

Betsy was painting our dogs toenails when we bought her 6 years ago. She's been letting our boys do moderately "girly" things and I haven't objected too much since we didn't have a girl for her to do it to (it WAS pretty embarrassing to see our 150 lb dog [meant to be scary and intimidating] frolicking around our house with red, glittery toenails).

When we had Season, Betsy had her toenails and fingernails painted while they were still in the hospital. Betsy has been putting lip gloss on her from Day 1... literally.

So you can't be surprised that we chose to have her ears pierced at 4 months old. I just thank my lucky stars that she didn't have my boys ear's pierced over the last several years. Now we have our girl and I'm not going to stand in the way of Betsy making her "girly".