Twilight: A Male Perspective

We were over at my sister-in-laws house about two weeks ago and she had all of the Twilight books on her nightstand. I have been hearing a lot about it lately since the newest book, Breaking Dawn, came out. I was watching the news and saw about five million women standing in line to pick up the new book. They were all gushing about a character named "Edward" and how they had "discussion groups" that were set up just so a bunch of chicks could talk about this book. My wife, Betsy, doesn't read much of anything except the scriptures, KSL.com, and Parenting magazine. I figured it might be a book she would enjoy.

So we borrowed the book and Betsy started reading it that same night. For a few days I watched her closely to see if she was enjoying it. She was. I noticed she was able to find time to read it during the day. She'd even stay up later than usual so she could read it after the kids went to bed.

I started to get curious. What the crud are all these chicks freaking out about? What could be so awesome about this series? Finally, I decided I was going to read the first book, Twilight... just to see. So I waited until Betsy went to sleep and then I'd take the book into the front room and read it. I didn't use a book mark because I didn't want Betsy to see that I was reading it. If she DID figure out I had been reading her book, I didn't want her to know how far I was or how much progress I'd made. If I didn't like it and Betsy knew I was reading it, I didn't want Betsy gushing to me about how awesome it was and put me in a position where I'd either have to agree with her (lie) or disagree with her (hurt feelings).

I just finished the book this last weekend, just behind my wife. It was pretty good. I had some problems with it, though.

I want to tell all you dudes out there a few things about Twilight. First of all, the reason women like this book so much is because it's about 90% Romance Novel. You know those books at the store that have really buff guys with huge muscles, wearing a ripped shirt and they're cradling a scantily clad hottie in their huge arms? Twilight reminded me of what those Romance Novels might contain. It's from the point of view of Bella, a 17-year-old girl. She's in lust with this dude, Edward, who we learn is a vampire. "Vampires?" you might be thinking... "Cool!" Well, not really... but kinda.

If you've seen any vampire horror movies then you know what can typically be expected from vampires. Raw emotion, passion, blood, sex, gore, and maybe a topless Sam from Who's the Boss... if you're lucky. For the book, Twilight, remove "topless". Remove "blood". Remove "sex" (it's a Mormon author, after all). Remove "gore". What are you left with? That's right. Emotion and passion. There is some allusion to blood and gore when Edward occasionally mentions "hunting", but not enough for any real man to get too excited.

Also remember this story is told from the point of view of a 17-year-old girl. Almost without exception, every time she sees Edward, she notices something amazing about him... like his perfect face, hard jawline, gorgeous eyes, muscular chest, smooth voice, brisk stride, gentle touch, etc. Now try to imagine every paragraph containing several sentences describing Edwards absolute perfection. It gets old pretty fast... for a guy.

Another thing that bothered me quite a bit was that Edward is not the nicest guy. I mean he says a lot of great things, he's amazingly smooth for a 107-year-old teenager, but he acts a lot like a jock. He orders Bella around like she's his dog and she does exactly what he tells her do. Why? Because he's so hot. That kind of bugged me. I saw that kind of thing happen in High School. All the hotties would flock to the A-holes because they were hot. I'd watch from afar and think, "I'm so much cooler than that dork face." But the chicks never noticed because I wore glasses with a strap in the back to hold them up.

The author of Twilight also strays from some of the basic, generally accepted "truths" about vampires. That's cool for the most part. I mean, an author has creative license and can write her stories however she'd like. But, c'mon! A vampire can't be in the sun or else his skin melts off. That's pretty basic. Most everything else is optional (wooden stake through heart, flying, turning into a bat, etc) but the sunlight thing is pretty elementary. I think it would have been better if the author had just chosen to ignore it, but instead, she chose to have the vampires stay out of sunlight for a completely different reason. Are you ready for this? Because sunlight makes them sparkle and glow like they're covered with diamonds and other shiny jewels and gems. Like Edward needs to be any MORE beautiful than he already is. Sorry. That's pretty lame. I really hope she doesn't elaborate any more on this stupid quality in her future books. Not that I'm planning on reading them or anything.

It's pretty obvious that Bella isn't really "in love" yet. I'm not saying she won't EVER be in love with Edward, but I don't think she's in love with him at the end of Twilight. She's infatuated with him because he's a vampire, he can run really fast, he's super strong and he's "oh so perfect". I don't think "awe" equates to "love".

Edward says all the right things, as well. He makes the rest of us guys look like babbling imbeciles. Let me tell you, ladies, if I had over 100 years to perfect my womanizing ability, I'd say all the right things, as well. It's kinda like Groundhog Day. Edward is a "teenager" and knows exactly what to say to make other 17-year-olds swoon because he's had a lot longer than us mere mortals to master it. "But, Cameron, Edward doesn't have any experience with women. He even told Bella that he's never felt this way about anyone. AND he's also a virgin!" Yeah right! Edward's been around the block once or twice in the last 100 years, I promise. He's just perfected his dialogue so he can impress Bella and whoever comes after her. With all the pent up one-liners and "icy caresses" he has built up, I guarantee Edward can hold his own in the sack. Bella is just an immature 17-year-old who wants the hottest guy in school to pay her some attention. That guy just happens to be a vampire.

That's all I have to say. Good luck, guys. If you can zone out during the more descriptive romantic scenes, it's actually a pretty good read.