Birds and the Bees

I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. It just seems like 7 is too young... by about 5 years. I've heard a few different things about how the topic is supposed to be approached, but one of the tips has stuck with me. Answer the questions as simply and as honestly as possible. Don't give the child more information than they're ready for. Just answer their questions until the questions stop.

Tyton was telling Betsy this afternoon that a girl had chased him at recess and kissed him on the neck. When I got home from work, I was asking Tyton about it. He told me she had kissed him. I made a kissy face and he smiled and hit me. Typical father and son stuff.

About an hour later, I was sitting at the table and Tyton started asking questions. It was obvious that he'd been thinking about it for at least a couple of hours. Here is our conversation as accurately as I can remember it. I'm sure there are dozens of ways I could have handled it, but I'd like to think I did ok. In retrospect, I may have given Tyton too much information, but he's smarter than your average 7 year old... and I'm not just saying that cause he's my son. He really is.

T: Dad? If a boy and girl kiss, does the girl have a baby?
D: No. That's not how it works.

T: How does it work?
D: (hesitating) It takes more than kissing.

T: Like what?
D: (hesitates) How old are you?
T: Seven.
D: Um... you're too young. You don't need to know that stuff right now.

This, of course, wasn't the right thing to say. Tyton can't stand it when he doesn't know a secret. He will ask and ask until you tell him what he needs to know.

T: Just tell me. Please.
D: Ok. Well, a boy and girl can't get pregnant if they have clothes on.

T: So if they're naked, then they can get pregnant?
D: Not exactly, but that's how it starts usually.

I was silently hoping he'd decide he didn't want to know.

T: So then what happens?
D: (realizing I wasn't gonna get out of it easily) Well. Why don't you sit down and we'll talk about it.

Ty sits at the table with me. Betsy is nowhere to be found. She had left to go to the church for something.

D: Well, you know your balls?
T: (laughs) Yeah.
D: Well, your balls have fertilizer in them. It's called sperm.
T: Ok.
D: Girls have ovaries, which are kind of the same size and shape as a boys balls except they're up here (motioning to the rough location of ovaries).
T: (giving me his undivided attention)
D: So girls have eggs in their ovaries. They're so tiny you can't see them. Every once in a while, the ovary lets an egg go and it moves through a tube all the way to their vagina. (no reaction from Tyton. Good sign that he's serious about wanting to know.) The eggs are so tiny we can't even see them without a microscope. Those eggs can't grow into a baby unless they get our fertilizer. If the egg doesn't get our fertilizer, then it falls out.
T: Ok.
D: So how do you think boys can get their fertilizer onto the girls eggs?
T: (thinking) I don't know.
D: Well, do you think a boy can fertilize the egg by kissing?
T: (smiling) No.
D: Nope. You're right.

Tyton continues to stare at me waiting for the next fascinating nugget of sexual wisdom. I sit there for about 20 seconds trying to figure out the best way to tackle the next step in the baby-making process.

D: Ok, now, Tyton. This next part is really private stuff. It's not something you should tell people in your class or anything ok?
T: Ok. I won't.
D: Well, you know how sometimes your penis gets hard?
T: Yeah.
D: Well... um... a guy has to put his penis into a girls vagina.
T: (eyes get really wide) Really?
D: Yeah. It's actually called something when a boy and a girl do this. It's probably a word you've heard before. It's called "sex".

A lightbulb goes off in Tytons head and he starts to smile and nod.

D: Have you heard the word before?
T: Yeah.
D: Where have you heard it? On TV?
T: Well, it's on your dice.

Tyton had recently played with some dice he found in my top drawer. I didn't intervene while he was telling me over and over what he had rolled on the dice. But now Tyton seemed a little bit embarrassed that he had been talking about sex without realizing what it was. Those feelings of embarrassment were another indication that he was ready for the discussion. I don't think most kids would have remembered or even cared.

T: (thinking) So... you and mom did that?
D: We had to in order to get you and Boston and Season.
T: So you did it three times?
D: (trying my best not to smile) Well, Tyton. It's actually a lot of fun... so married people do it a lot. But 7 year olds don't need to worry about sperm. And 7 year old girls don't let any eggs go. That stuff doesn't happen until you get older.
T: Oh. Ok. Good.
D: Do you have any other questions?
T: No.
D: Well, if you think of any, just ask. I'll tell you whatever you want to know, ok?
T: Ok. Thanks.
D: You're welcome.

So there it is. I couldn't be bothered to type "hesitating" before every single one of my lines of dialog, but there was plenty of hesitating and "um's" and "uh's". The conversation took about three times longer to have than it took you to read. I figure I'll need to have similar conversations yearly with slight variations until it fully sinks in... no pun intended.