Pectorals

Ever since I hit puberty I've had a desire for pectorals. There is something I admire about a nice set of pecs. Not the kind of pecs that can hold a pencil vertically while flexing, just the kind of pecs that make fellow Lagoon-a-beach go'ers think, "Those are sweet pecs!" (exclamation point optional).

I'm turning 31 years old this month. It's not really a landmark birthday, but now that I'm a full year into my 30's, I'm starting to realize that if I don't have pecs now... I probably never will.

Last year my best friend decided when he turned 30 he wanted to be able to say "I'm in the best shape I've ever been in". He didn't quite make it, but I was thinking the other day about how "in shape" I am. I'm definitely NOT at my peak now, so I starting thinking about when my "peak" happened and how I missed it. I decided it was when I was in the Police Academy about 9 years ago. It's not really much to brag about, though. Even though the physical part of the academy involved a lot of running, it was pretty simple for me since I only weighed 120 pounds (all you women out there who scoff and say "Well I weigh more than YOU"... please don't. I know you're trying to make me feel better, but for a dude, small is NOT good... it's like the complete opposite for women so please don't compare us. It makes me feel even more wussy than I already do. Imagine if we were hanging out and you said "I got on the scale the other day and I weigh 130 lbs", then right after that I said, "Whoa! I weigh LESS than you!")

I've never had a hard time with the push-ups or sit-ups, again, since I was only 120 lbs. The hardest part for me was running 1.5 miles in 12 minutes, and it really wasn't THAT hard. I think I actually ran it in a little under 10 minutes.

Well, I got an email at work the other day that invited me (along with everyone else in my department) to participate in our Be Fit program. The program, essentially, is a $75 incentive payment if you can pass the minimum physical requirements from the Academy. It is 30 push-ups in 1 minute; 30 sit-ups in 1 minute; and 1.5 miles in 16 minutes. I decided I was going to get an easy $75. It's been about 7 years since I've ran further than 10 steps and I've had absolutely no reason to do any push-ups or sit-ups. To top it all off, I've gained about 30 lbs to a whopping total of 150 lbs soaking wet.

I accidentally didn't show up for the Physical Incentive. I told my wife on Saturday that I had intended on making the easy $75, but had forgotten about it until it was too late. We happened to be outside playing in the sprinklers at the time and about 10 minutes later, Betsy made a playful comment about my "man-boobs". Seriously? Man-boobs? Me? It actually made me feel good. I was actually gaining enough weight that my breastess-ez were sagging.

Saturday night after the kids were in bed, Betsy made another comment about how I was visibly jiggling while I brushed my teeth. Then she asked if I thought I could actually pass the test. I laughed and told her I've never in my life struggled with the push-up or sit-up portion of the test. I've always been one of the few participants who could bust out all 30 push-ups with my hands forming the diamond in about 20 seconds. Betsy called my bluff.

I went into the front room and gave her my phone. I told her to tell me when it turned to 10:18 and I'd start the push-ups. I slowly got to my hands and knees and just as I took my first deep breath she said "Go!".

Thirty pounds and 7 years is a pretty big deal, evidently. I did the first 14 pretty quickly, but then I had to rest (you have to rest in the up position and can not arch your back or stick your butt up). The last 16 push-ups I did in 3 push-up intervals with about 5 seconds between each set. I wanted to die. After I finished I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water while Betsy was laughing. When I got back into the front room, I starting to explain to Betsy why it was so difficult for me, but she was still laughing. Turns out she was laughing because I was only saying about two words between each breath I was taking.

I actually think I could have got the $75, but I would have been miserable for at least 10 days. In fact, today is Tuesday and my arms still shake when I try to lift my Dr. Pepper to my lips... and I still cough whenever I laugh. I guess that's what happens when you use parts of your lungs that have been dormant for 7 years.

I think I'll just wait until technology progresses to where I can get pectoral implants. I'm happy with pecs that are strictly cosmetic.

PS That's not a photo of my man-boob. I trim my boobs every two weeks. I just found that photo on the World Wide Web.