Rule #1

I know that I've had several posts lately that make some sort of mention of fecal matter, and I apologize if you are offended at the topic... but I can't help myself. I'm at work right now and I just came from the employee bathroom. There are only two stalls available for employees and I was in the preferred, king size, handicapped stall, minding my own business, doing my printable Sudoku puzzle.

I heard someone fumbling around outside the bathroom door, obviously trying to get their key in the lock as fast as possible. Whoever it was finally made it into the bathroom and immediately jumped into the stall next to mine. Luckily, the worst of my episode was over so I was pretty much just doing my puzzle. I listened to this guy breathing really heavily while trying to position the toilet seat cover. I could hear the really thin paper being unfolded and pulled back and forth for about 20 seconds. Then this guy sits down and I hear the messiest release that I may have ever heard. I hear him groaning and sighing for a few seconds and I take this opportunity to glance under the stall to see what kind of shoes this guy is wearing. I think most of us do this for some reason. I don't really know why I do it. Maybe because I think that messy episodes (like this guy ) should belong to sneakers with lawnmowing grass stains or something as opposed to polished penny loafers.

Sure enough I see a pair of beat up white sneakers and denim jeans. Yup. That's typical of the soundtrack I'd just heard. But then I heard something interesting. I heard the distinct sound of air freshener being sprayed. Now I know this type of thing is not unusual for women's bathrooms. From what I've heard, it is fairly common for girls stalls to have cans of air freshener. But not the boys room. I've never seen a can of air freshener in a stall in a boys bathroom before. Never. But I started glancing around my handicapped kingdom to see if I had a can of air freshener, as well. I didn't see one. Then this guy broke "bathroom code" Rule #1. He spoke to me. "You know it's bad when you have to bring your own can of air freshener in order to survive." I gave him an audible chuckle and immediately began wrapping up my own visit. I really didn't want to have a verbal exchange with this guy... especially in this environment.

I also wanted to hurry so we weren't washing our hands at the same time. Then there'd be some sort of obligation to speak to him. It wouldn't exist normally, but he'd already broken the verbal barrier by speaking to me so now I'd at least have to acknowledge him if we were standing next to each other at the sinks.

As I was quickly washing my hands, I couldn't help but wonder how this guy was able to sneak an entire can of air freshener into the bathroom. I say "sneak" because I can't imagine he'd walk casually through the building toward the bathroom with a can of air freshener tucked under his arm. It's the same reason I don't carry a newspaper in there with me. I don't want people seeing me and thinking "Well, he's gonna be in there for a while." I just want them to think I'm going number one.

That's why girls are so lucky. Even when you see feet under the stall wall, you can still think they might only be going pee. If you see a guy's feet under the stall door... you KNOW what they're doing.

PS I just created a "Twitter" account cause I thought it looked cool, but I don't know anyone else who has one and I'm not exactly sure how they work. Any advice?