C.Y.A.

I have some cousins that don't go to the doctor. I haven't really had in depth conversations with them to figure out their reasons, but I've always been fascinated with their lifestyle. This post isn't about the stupidity of being anti-doctor. This post is going to be about why I kind of agree with them.

I'm in a unique position. We've all visited doctors at one time or another, but not very many people can say the following words, "If it weren't for medical intervention, I'd be dead." Well, my wife can say that... and I was with her when she almost died so you won't catch me trashing on doctors too badly. But let me just tell you how stupid most doctors are. In my 31 years of life, I've observed what seems to be doctors getting paid to guess. Apparently, that's what they teach you in medical school. Just guess. "If you're wrong, you'll find out soon enough and then you can change your mind. If you're wrong too many times, though, someone could die... so try to minimize your bad guesses the best you can."

Monday: Tyton has swollen tonsils with white patches all over them. Tyton goes to doctor. Strep Test culture is taken and comes back negative. He is given an antibiotic and told to return on Wednesday.

Wednesday: Tyton returns to doctor, but his primary doctor doesn't work Wednesdays. Doctor says, "Hmmm. That antibiotic isn't working. Let's give him a really painful shot in the leg. That should do it. Come back tomorrow morning so we can see if the nasty antibiotic combined with the painful shot did the trick."

Thursday Morning: Doctor says, "I'm not seeing any decrease in that swelling. I'm going to refer Tyton to an Ear, Nose, Throat specialist guy where your co-pay should double. How does that sound?"

Thursday Afternoon: Nurse comes in and says, "Whoa. That tonsil will probably need to be drained. That's a very painful procedure. He'll need to be put to sleep unless you plan on holding him down." Tytons eyes are the size of large dinner plates and it's obvious he's too shocked to speak. Enter Specialist. He spends less than 5 minutes with Tyton and says, "We don't need to drain that tonsil. Instead, head over to the hospital and have a large needle shoved into his tiny arm. We can test for mono. I definitely think it's mono." I say, "But he has tons of energy. Isn't fatigue the primary symptom of mono?" Specialist says, "Good point... hmmm. Well we can test for other things, too. I'm also going to switch his antibiotic to one that might work better, but it tastes an awful lot like feces." Tyton then asks what feces is.

Later Thursday Afternoon: Blood drawn and tested.

Friday Morning: I call the Specialist to find out what the problem is. Specialist assistant says, "Well, the mono test was negative. All of his blood cell counts were normal so that means it isn't blah, blah, blah or blah blah blah." I say, "So we really don't know anything, right?" Assistant sighs and says, "Right. But it could be Strep." I tell him that the strep test was negative at our regular doctor. Assistant says, "Those throat cultures are wrong 50% of the time." Surprisingly, assistant doesn't ask us to come in for a different, more accurate strep test.

Monday: Tyton has a rash from head to toe that itches like crazy. We call the specialist and he says it's probably an allergic reaction to the antibiotic so he switches it again so something that tastes like strawberry citrus bile.

Wednesday: The rash is worse and so we take him back to his regular doctor. I spend about 30 minutes filling her in on everything we don't know so that way we all don't know the same stuff. She says she thinks it might be mono. I say, "Huh?" She then says that the specialist did the wrong mono test that usually doesn't work on six year old kids. She then says that it's unlikely he's allergic to two separate antibiotics from two different families and to continue with the doses from the newest one. I ask if she can re-test his blood sample for the correct mono test. She say, "Oh no. That blood is gone. But mono is a virus anyway so redrawing and retesting blood doesn't really matter anyway." Then the doctor says, "One thing we know for sure is that he had a severe case of tonsillitis." Really? Did you come to that conclusion based on the softball sized tonsil? I bring up the whole "fatigue" thing again and she says, "Kids are able to retain energy through a lot of illnesses that are supposed to make them tired."

Now it's Friday and his rash is gone. His antibiotic dosage is completed. His tonsil isn't swollen anymore and he has the exact same amount of energy as he's had for the last two weeks. And we still have no idea what was wrong with him.