Almost every day I look at my wife and wonder how on earth I was able to score such a hottie. I'm not just saying that, either. I really do wonder what I did to get her to fall in love with me. I mean, I've always prided myself in my kissing ability, but once you get married that kind of thing dies down... so she must love me for something besides my sweet succulent lips. Whenever I ask her, she goes down the usual list of positive attributes and qualities. The other day I told her I was thinking about doing a blog post about my physical flaws... you know... like my lack of pectoral muscles. She was not excited at ALL about this post and she fought it every inch of the way. Every time I'd mention something about myself she'd have some sort of rebuttal to try to make me feel better. I kept asking her for contributions, but she refused to participate. She just sat on the couch and shook her head and tried to make me feel better while I was making my list.
What I've decided to do is write out my list of flaws, followed by the reply my wife gave me when I brought it up. Here we go:
C: My feet turn out a little bit when I walk... kinda bow-legged.
B: Lot's of people walk like that. It's not like you had braces on your legs or anything.
C: But I also slouch when I walk which makes me look kind of goofy.
B: Yeah, but didn't your brother have a bit of scoliosis? That's probably what it is.
C: My nostrils are different shapes.
B: No they're not.
C: Yes they are. Look.
B: (looking) I've never noticed that before. I'm sure no one else has either.
C: My arm hair stops in the middle of my upper arm. There's like a line where it stops... like I shave my upper arms or something.
B: But when your shirt is off, people are looking at your arm muscles... not the hair on your arms.
C: My lazy eye still does it's own thing occasionally.
B: It mostly did that before your lasik. I haven't noticed it at all since then.
C: I have these fangs that all the primary kids used to make fun of.
B: Nobody has said anything since the dentist filed them down, have they?
C: I have a bald spot on my chin that prevents me from growing a beard or bitchin' goatee.
B: I hate facial hair anyway. I never want you to grow any hair on your face.
C: I don't have a butt at all.
B: I think your butt is so cute. I wish I had your butt.
C: That doesn't make me feel any better.
B: But it's so cute when you dance around and wiggle it.
C: My wiener is average... at best.
B: It's all I can handle, honey.
C: My fingers are so dainty and girly. Guys have actually told me that my hands are "so soft".
B: I love how smooth your hands are. Callouses are gross and scratchy.
C: I have really patchy, random, shoulder hairs that are black and curly and gross.
B: You don't have that many and I'll pluck them out whenever you'd like.
C: Sometimes I get a sour stomach when I'm stressed and when I burp it literally tastes and smells like poo.
B: (long pause) Yeah. That's true. That's a good one. Write that one down.
My wife is awesome!
